It made no sense.  Pulling quickly into a drive thru, I ordered an iced mocha.  “Do you want that hot?” I was asked.  No, iced.  “Yeah, but do you want that hot?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond.

More interestingly, it happened several times, at two different drive thru stands!  I’m still not sure what the problem was.  Possibly they were trying to make a distinction between a frappe and an iced coffee.  In any case, it stuck with me.  I wondered what it would be like to be in a difficult conversation in the car while also going through an insane conversation with a drive thru attendant.

It gave me an idea for a scene in a novel I am working on.  I wrote it up here as a script, just so I could focus on the words.  In the following scene, Sara is a former writer, trying to get back into a writer’s room after a bad mistake that has left her almost unemployable.  She pitches her father’s idea for a series on the American Revolution–a pitch that accidentally goes sideways, leaving her pitching a comedy instead of a serious drama–and it is accepted!  The producer wants her to bring in another writer to help her out: Bob.

In the follow scene, Sara has gone to Bob’s apartment to try to talk him into it.

* * *

THE PROBLEM OF COMEDY 

ACT ONE, SCENE 3, or 4?

INT. BOB’S APARTMENT. A MESS. HE IS HALF CONSCIOUS, ANSWERS THE DOOR BELL, SARA IS STANDING THERE.

SARA
Good morning?

BOB
Wanna’ hear a rebuttal?

SARA
Well, you’re a fine one this morning!

BOB
I’m this way every morning.  You know that.

SARA
I need your help.

BOB
Come back later.

SARA
Actually, its kind of an emergency.

BOB
It always is.  I need some coffee.

SARA
I’ll take you to get some.  On the way over to the studio.

BOB
What time is it?

SARA
Eleven forty-five.

BOB
I need some coffee.

SARA
Let’s go.

BOB
So, what’s the problem.

SARA
I pitched Milton’s script for him this morning.  To Gerry O’Brien, over at HBC.  You know, the one on the Revolution.

BOB
Huh!  That old thing?  Wait, you pitched it?

SARA
Yeah, why?

BOB
Not Milton?

SARA
He came down with larrengitis.

BOB
Sorry.

SARA
He’ll get over it.

BOB
No, I mean, sorry you had to go through that.  It must have been painful.

SARA
No, actually, they went for it!

BOB
Really?

SARA
Yes!

BOB
Seriously?

SARA
Absolutely!

BOB
You’re  shitting me!

SARA
Not at all.

BOB
Well, I’m impressed.  Let’s get some coffee to celebrate.

SARA
There’s just one problem.

BOB
Do you see my sunglasses here anywhere?

SARA
Not a very big problem.

BOB
Yeah?

SARA
Well, kind of a big problem . . .

BOB
What is it?

SARA
They want it to be a comedy.

BOB
Well, that’ll never happen.

SARA
Why not?

BOB
Milton will never go for it.

SARA
Yeah, that’s what I thought.  But I thought, well . . .

BOB
You thought what?

SARA
I thought maybe you and I could fix it up.

BOB
Hah!

SARA
What?!

BOB
You’re not funny.

INT./EXT. Car, southern california, driving down road. SARA is driving. BOB wear sunglasses. he is slouched down, possibly hung-over.  SARA is perky, too perky, for the morning.

SARA
I’m funny!

BOB
No, you’re not.

SARA
Yes I am!

BOB
No, you’re not.

SARA
I’m very funny.

BOB
No, you’re not.

SARA
My friends think I’m funny.

BOB
No, they don’t.

SARA
All my friends think I’m very funny.

BOB
Trust me, they don’t.

SARA
You’re just a grouch.

BOB
Yes.

SARA
Mr. Downer.  That’s what they call you.

BOB
Probably.

SARA
You’re not funny.

BOB
‘f you say so.

SARA
I do say so.

BOB
God, I need some coffee!

SARA
How come you think you’re funny?

BOB
Because I am.

SARA
No, you’re a grouch.

BOB
But I’m funny.

SARA
Mr. Downer.

BOB
Seriously, I need some coffee pretty badly right now.

SARA
Seriously, you’re not very funny right now.

BOB
Okay.

SARA
So, how do you do it?

BOB
What?

SARA
How do you write “Gentrified.”

BOB
If I tell you will you stop for some coffee?  Look, there’s a place right up there.

SARA
That show is funny!  You’re not funny.

BOB
Pull over up there.

SARA
I mean it, it’s the funniest thing on television right now!

BOB
Just pull over.

SARA
How can you write for “Gentrified” and not be funny.

BOB
And there it goes.

SARA
I knew a guy who once wrote for “All In.”  He wasn’t funny either.

BOB
Coffee.

SARA
What do you guys do, do you save it all for the script?

BOB
Yes.

SARA
Really?

BOB
No.

SARA
Ha ha.  That’s not funny.

BOB
Yes it was.

SARA
No, it wasn’t.

BOB
It was a little funny.

SARA
Nope.

BOB
That’s all you get until I get some coffee.

SARA
Coffee is your muse?

BOB
Coffee is my god!

SARA
You’re an idolator.

BOB
Yes.

SARA
You’re an addict for coffee.

BOB
Yes.

Sara pulls over into a drive thru line at McDonalds.

BOB
What’s this?

SARA
They sell coffee.

BOB
Seriously?

SARA
I get coffee here every morning.

BOB
Really?

SARA
Best coffee in L.A.!

BOB
That’s not funny.

SARA
Sure it is!

BOB
Not even a little bit.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Welcome to McDonald’s, may I help you?

BOB
Probably not.

SARA
Yes.  I’ll have a coffee, black.  And a small iced mocha.

BOB
I don’t believe this.

SARA
What’s the matter?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
One coffee, black, and one iced mocha.  Would you like that hot?

BOB
God.

SARA
I want the coffee hot.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Yes, madam.  What about the mocha?

SARA
Iced.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Yes madam.  Do you want it hot?

SARA
I want an iced mocha.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Do you want that hot or cold?

SARA
Can you even make a hot iced mocha?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Yes, madam.

SARA
I want a cold iced mocha.  Small.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
I’ll have your total at the first window.

Sara drives forward.

BOB
Best coffee in L.A., huh?

SARA
Your “god,” I’m sure, can work miracles.

STAFF 1
That will be $5.25.

SARA
Do you have any change?

BOB
Uhhm, yeah, here’s a quarter.

SARA
Great.  Thanks.
(she hands the quarter to Staff 1)
You don’t have a five on you, do you?

BOB
What? Are you kidding?!

SARA
Hey, it wasn’t my idea to stop here!

BOB
It wasn’t mine either!  There was a place back there . . .

SARA
Five dollars.

BOB
Here.  (Sara hands the money to the cashier, smiles, drives to the next window)

BOB
I can’t believe I’m buying coffee at McDonald’s.

SARA
You’re not.  I am.

BOB
With my money.

SARA
You’re treating me.

BOB
Why?

SARA
Because I’m so funny.

STAFF 2
Here you are madam.  Watch out, the coffee’s hot.

SARA
What’s this?

STAFF 2
Your iced mocha.

SARA
That’s a Frappe.

STAFF 2
Yes, madam.

SARA
I ordered an iced mocha.

STAFF 2
Yes, madam.

BOB
Let’s go.

SARA
I ordered an iced coffee.  Not a frappe.

STAFF 2
Just a minute madam.

BOB
God, this is awful!

SARA
Yeah, you’d think they could get the order right.

BOB
No, this coffee–if it ever was coffee.

SARA
What’s the matter with it?

BOB
Probably nothing, originally.  Then it went to McDonald’s, and voi’la: liquid sludge.

SARA
What’s the matter, your “god” letting you down.

BOB
My god’s been crucified.

STAFF 2
Here you go madam.  Be careful, it’s hot.

BOB
Unbelievable.

SARA
What’s this?

STAFF 2
It’s your mocha, madam.

SARA
I ordered an iced mocha.

STAFF 2
Yes madam.

SARA
Where’s the ice?

STAFF 2
Just a minute madam.

BOB
Wow.

SARA
What?

BOB
There’s like seven cars behind us now.

SARA
You wanted coffee.

BOB
Real coffee.

SARA
What are you doing?

BOB
(pouring it out the window)
Trying to fill a pothole.

SARA
I thought coffee was your god?

BOB
“Thou shalt have no false gods before me.”

STAFF 2
Here you are madam.

SARA
Thanks.  Here, hold this.

BOB
(he takes a sip, winces, pours it out the window as they re-enter the street)
So now what?

SARA
Now I’m going to convince you that it’s not as bad as it seems.

BOB
Good luck on that.

SARA
I know you think this is a disaster.  But it’s not that bad!  In fact, I think it might be exactly what this project needs.

BOB
Comedy?

SARA
What’s wrong with comedy?

BOB
The problem with comedy is, well, it’s supposed to be funny.

SARA
Thanks for clearing that up.

BOB
It’s the American Revolution.  It’s Milton Glass’s Revolution.  Milton wrote it to be serious.  That’s the whole point.

SARA
But the Revolution is always portrayed as too serious!  No warmth, no real people.  We need to reimagine it, find the humor in it!

BOB
Humor in the American Revolution?

SARA
Yes!

BOB
It wasn’t funny.

SARA
How do you know?

BOB
I took an American history class in college.

SARA
So did I.  Ben Franklin was very funny.

BOB
So?

SARA
People love Ben Franklin!  You know why?

BOB
‘Cause he liked to fly kites in storms?

SARA
Yes.

BOB
‘Cause he looked like the Quaker Oats guy?

SARA
Now you’ve got it!  Hand me my mocha.

BOB
I haven’t got it.

SARA
Yeah, you do!  You can make Franklin funny, it’s easy!

BOB
No, I mean I haven’t got your mocha.

SARA
Where is it?

BOB
I threw it out.

SARA
Why’d you do that?

BOB
It wasn’t very good.

SARA
I liked it.

BOB
No.  You wouldn’t have.

SARA
So are you going to take this project or not?

BOB
I’m not.

SARA
Let me rephrase that–

BOB
Look, I know you pitched it for Milton.  I know what it means to him.

SARA
YES!

BOB
I also know he meant the series to be serious.

SARA
So?

BOB
So you should have turned them down!  Gerry O’Brien, HBC!  They’re dying, Sara!  Nobody’s watching them anymore!  And Gerry’s out of his mind if he thinks the American public these days wants to see George Washington’s Valley Forge as done by Hogan’s Heroes!  Milton Glass used to be somebody, a good serious writer.  And he wrote it as a serious drama, not a comedy!

SARA
We can fix that.

BOB
How?

SARA
The Revolution had funny moments.  It had to have had them.  Not all the time, granted.  But there must have been some between the opening shots and the peace negotiations!  How else could they have succeeded?

BOB
Not by cracking wise at Versailles!

SARA
How do you know?  Have you ever studied Franklin?  I have.  He was funny in France!  Urbane, sophisticated, . . . and funny.

BOB
Even if he was, this isn’t what Milton had in mind!  This is going to break his heart, crush him.

SARA
I’ll handle Milton.

BOB
How?

SARA
I’ll start by telling him I have the best writer in California working on the rewrite.

BOB
I can’t do that to him.

SARA
Look, Gerry O’Brien is a smart guy.  He was right.  It DOES need something to make it more interesting, more relevant.

BOB
Maybe so.  But this pilot was Milton’s baby, he’s been working on it for years.

SARA
That’s why it’s got to get produced this time. Milton has pitched this to every television studio in Southern California.  They all turned him down.

BOB
Yeah, because the script’s too serious, and he refuses to make any real changes to it.

SARA
He revised it every time.

BOB
And he always made it more serious, not more funny.

SARA
So, I think we have to give funny a try.

BOB
It’s not your call!

SARA
Too late.

BOB
God, I need some coffee!  Real coffee!

SARA
You can do this.

BOB
I won’t do it.

SARA
I can make this work.

BOB
No, I don’t think you can.

SARA
I can bring Milton around.  I can.  If you are working on the script.  He respects you.

BOB
He won’t after you tell him I’m rewriting his script.

SARA
I have a plan.

BOB
Great.  What could go wrong?

SARA
I’m serious.  This can work.  But I need you.

BOB
Coffee!

SARA
God, you’re such a grouch!

BOB
Honest to god if you don’t pull in to that Starbuck’s up there right now and buy me a cup of real coffee I am never going to talk to you again.

SARA
So you’ll do it?

BOB
Pull over!

SARA
(pulls into the parking lot)
There, satisfied?

BOB
Do I have a coffee in my hand yet?

SARA
The best part of having coffee is the anticipation.

BOB
Who says?

EXT. Walking across the parking lot towards the starbuck’s, a very bright day.

SARA
I’ll make you a deal.  I buy you coffee, and you let me tell you about how I’m going to bring Milton around.

BOB
You’re going to ruin my cup of coffee?!

SARA
No, really, hear me out.  And if you still want out of the project, you’re free to walk.

BOB
I’m not “in” the project!

SARA
Well . . .

BOB
No.  No way.  You didn’t–

SARA
Gerry thinks you’re the perfect choice. Show runner.

BOB
No.

SARA
It was his idea.

BOB
No.

SARA
You don’t HAVE to do it, but . . .

BOB
What did you do?

SARA
I promised I would have you look at the script.  As my partner.

BOB
What the–?!

SARA
It was his idea, not mine.  He thought you could use a new project, a change of pace.

BOB
Show runner?

SARA
Not alone.  Co-producer.

BOB
With you? My ex-wife?

SARA
His idea, not mine.

BOB
Where did he get such a stupid idea?

SARA
Because I’m funny.

BOB
No, you’re not.

SARA
Come on, I’ll buy you a coffee.  A real coffee.  You can hear me out.  If you don’t like it, walk away.  But you won’t.

BOB
Why not?

SARA
Because: I’m funny.

BOB
No, you’re not.

SARA
So teach me.

BOB
You never listen. I need coffee.

SARA
We’re at Starbuck’s?!  What more do you want?

BOB
I want to be inside, sitting down, drinking my coffee, and watching through the window, as you drive away.

SARA
How would you get home?

BOB
I don’t know.  Maybe the coffee will give me some ideas.

SARA
This is a good plan.  You’re gonna’ love it.

BOB
I doubt it.

SARA
“Oh, ye of little faith!”

BOB
Coffee is my god.  You’re, well . . .

SARA
What am I?  What?

BOB
Wait!
(Bob stops, takes off his sunglasses, tries to really look at Sara in the bright light.)
Gerry’s idea, huh?

SARA
Yeah.

BOB
No.  No, I don’t think so.  What’s this all about?

SARA
Milton’s series.

BOB
The Revolution?  No. This is about Maggie Harrington.

SARA
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BOB
Yeah you do.  This is about the buy out.  That’s why Gerry took this on.

SARA
Bob–

BOB
And this is about that Elizabeth Murray speech, isn’t it?

SARA
Bob–

BOB
That screw up last spring.  How bad is it?

SARA
Bad.

BOB
How bad?

SARA
About as bad as it gets.

BOB
That’s why Milton gave you his script?

SARA
Yes.

BOB
And this was Gerry’s idea.  About making it a comedy.  To attack Harrington?

SARA
Yes.

BOB
Does Milton know yet?

SARA
I don’t know.  Maybe.  He and Gerry were friends, once.

BOB
Will he go for it?

SARA
Let’s get your coffee.

BOB
How serious is it?

SARA
If we don’t make this work, I’ll probably never be able to work in this business again.

BOB
Or Milton, or Gerry either.

SARA
Yep.

BOB
Or me either, I’m guessing.

SARA
You’d be okay.  You’re golden right now.

BOB
Yeah?

SARA
Why else would I be buying you coffee?

BOB
Okay.  Let’s hear this plan of yours. . . .  It better be funny.

SARA
Yeah, that’s what I thought.